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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

Bill Engvall

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
BILL ENGVALL

Drunk Riding Stupid
I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Drunk One Power
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
BILL ENGVALL

Animal Discovery Hurt Shark
You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
BILL ENGVALL

Ass Kissing Scooter
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
BILL ENGVALL

Ladies Men Newspaper Tomorrow
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Uncles
I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Giving Nope Poring Sign Talking
Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Died God Great
God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
BILL ENGVALL

Daughter Growing Men Up
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
BILL ENGVALL

Helping Others Race Thinking
I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
BILL ENGVALL

Gay Hell Sex
One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Car Guy Keys
I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
BILL ENGVALL

Car Doctors Old Sell Wife
When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
BILL ENGVALL

Bus Doors Driver
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
BILL ENGVALL

Bridges Car Hands
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
BILL ENGVALL

Older People Thinking

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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