I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
BILL ENGVALLCan someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
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As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
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I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
BILL ENGVALL