I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALLOh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
BILL ENGVALL