To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
BILL ENGVALLOh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
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I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.
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God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
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I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
BILL ENGVALL