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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.

Bill Engvall

And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
BILL ENGVALL

Home Mean Nursing
Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
BILL ENGVALL

Causes Playing Talking
One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Car Guy Keys
I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
BILL ENGVALL

Doors Home Rain Soaked
You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
BILL ENGVALL

Ass Kissing Scooter
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
BILL ENGVALL

Bed Getting Older Thinking
I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
BILL ENGVALL

Big Boobs Hello Home Nursing Really
Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Died God Great
You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
BILL ENGVALL

Change Handling Shape Six Week
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Hate Nothing Stupid
I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
BILL ENGVALL

Pages Use Water
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
BILL ENGVALL

Couple Fishing Give Up
I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
BILL ENGVALL

Drunk Riding Stupid
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Uncles
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
BILL ENGVALL

Baseball Dog Funny Jesus Logic
I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
BILL ENGVALL

Dork Fell Hunter Out Tree

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.

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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.

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Popular Authors

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