I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
BILL ENGVALLLast time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
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I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
BILL ENGVALL