You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
BILL ENGVALLYesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
BILL ENGVALL -
When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALL -
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL -
I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
BILL ENGVALL -
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL -
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
BILL ENGVALL







