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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

Bill Engvall

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Glasses Men Phones Superman
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
BILL ENGVALL

Believe Distance Fun
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Jumping
You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
BILL ENGVALL

Ass Kissing Scooter
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
BILL ENGVALL

Ladies Men Newspaper Tomorrow
I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
BILL ENGVALL

Pages Use Water
Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Morning
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Honey Humor
The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Crunchy Girl Locked Rabbit
My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Friend Moving Pack Sign Stuff
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Country Guy Sitting
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
BILL ENGVALL

Gas Lasts Sides Stations
God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
BILL ENGVALL

Daughter Growing Men Up
Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
BILL ENGVALL

Causes Playing Talking
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
BILL ENGVALL

Clouds Flying Needs
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
BILL ENGVALL

Gutters Honey Light

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

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