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It’s a whole new world as far as getting a show on the air. There’s good things and bad things.

Bill Burr

I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.
BILL BURR

Lying Psycho Stage
A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there’s like a devil and a devil and they’re just battling it out the whole time. It’s like, “Smoke some crack!” “Get a hooker!” And then I go, “YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!”
BILL BURR

Advice Battling Devil Hooker Smoke
It was right after 9/11 and I decided to walk around the grounds of the Pentagon, because I had never been there.
BILL BURR

Golf Thinking Yelling
Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.
BILL BURR

Care Guy Home
I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.
BILL BURR

Elbows Elderly Today
As a big music fan, England is an amazing place to go.
BILL BURR

Amazing Fans Places
I don’t feel like it’s a wasted vote because I think it encourages more people like that to run. I vote for the candidates that aren’t bought and paid for like the Clintons.
BILL BURR

People Running Thinking
Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?
BILL BURR

People Week Yelling
I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don’t know where it’s going.
BILL BURR

Giving People School
I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
BILL BURR

Attack Overwhelming Panic Sudden
Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.
BILL BURR

Gun Pet Pitbull
Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That’s all I really care about you and your little garden hose.
BILL BURR

About Around Garden Necks Tandem
I mean, stand up you’re by yourself and it’s live and when you’re acting, unless you’re doing a monologue, you’re interacting with somebody else. Even if you’re doing a monologue you’re saying it to somebody and it’s not live so you can do it a few times.
BILL BURR

Acting Mean Monologues
Like I said, you guys in the media will treat the dumbest jack**s in the entire f***ng world like they won a Pulitzer prize for journalism and will put that level of weight on it, like they’re an ambassador to some country we’re trying to establish trade with.
BILL BURR

Country Guy Media
[I’m] more German than Irish.
BILL BURR

Country Irish More
I just do my act. If people in England don’t get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.
BILL BURR

Country Fun People

It’s a whole new world as far as getting a show on the air. There’s good things and bad things.

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It’s a whole new world as far as getting a show on the air. There’s good things and bad things.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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