We need a plague. It’s gotta happen. And don’t worry, it’s only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you’re gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won’t let her do it.
BILL BURRRealize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate.
More Bill Burr Quotes
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Michael Price is the showrunner so nobody works harder than him.
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I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed.
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I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people.
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If this goes into sweatshop labor, I’m quitting this podcast.
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When I was coming up the DC Improv was considered the best Improv out there. It’s always been high quality stuff coming out of there.
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Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.
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Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That’s all I really care about you and your little garden hose.
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I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?
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I do enjoy them. I get to meet the next generation of comics and help them out. Big comics doing small shows was something that used to happen a lot more back in the day. I wish there was more of that.
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I’m a standup comedian who gets to act. I’m never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I’m doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup.
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If I get married I get a tax break, if I have a kid I get a tax break, if I get a mortgage I get a tax break. I don’t have any kids and I drive a hybrid, I think I should get a tax break.
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Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?
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I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I’d like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don’t have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I’m shooting for the middle.
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Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?
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I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
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I’ve found is that by doing stand-up, I’ve actually learned how to combat depression. I don’t have clinical, but I’ve definitely had my bouts with it. I just figured out that it’s a choice. Y
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If you’re on social media as a performer you can tell. If you don’t get any Tweets you know it’s bombed. I can pretty much gauge how it’s doing by comparing the reception to shows I’ve done that have actual ratings.
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I’m not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
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Any other town you go to there’s this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder.
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I don’t feel like it’s a wasted vote because I think it encourages more people like that to run. I vote for the candidates that aren’t bought and paid for like the Clintons.
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I wasn’t the good looking guy, I wasn’t the hot chick, I wasn’t the fat guy, I didn’t have a catchphrase, I didn’t wear a silly hat. I was just trying to improve as a comedian.
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Let’s go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.
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I just do my act. If people in England don’t get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.
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I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy – if they start to like you, they’ll get a project going and call you in.
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You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.
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Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
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