“I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously.”

I’m an idiot, basically. I don’t think that I’m a dumb guy, but I also realise that I have access to about 0.1 percent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about.

Think about the amount of crap the US has done! Between slavery and the genocide of the Native Americans – if any of that had been filmed like [Adolf] Hitler, we’d never live it down.

There is a very difficult period in a comedian’s career – it’s that window of time where you’re good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.

I can tell you why I like different countries. Ireland – some of the funniest heckles I’ve ever gotten. And the last time I did England I did Bristol, Manchester, and then London. The whole country is just amazing to drive through.

I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.

Don’t be a jerk to other comics and don’t let the business beat you down, stay positive and if you work your ass off you’re going to get somewhere.

You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can’t believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me.

I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.

I was certified to take x-rays, but you can’t just show up and start cleaning people’s teeth.

Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed.

I don’t mind it. I just space it out. Every other week I go out. I used to get some time to myself but I’ve been pretty busy lately. But I’ve had it the other way, where I’m staring at the phone waiting for it to ring, so this is definitely better.

I never wanted to spend a month away from my life. One time I was out on the road for three weeks in a row and I when I came back someone had broken into my apartment and the water had evaporated from the toilet.

I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.

There’s a big thing right now with people using stand-up as a scapegoat. People think comedians have the power to change someone in an hour. If we had that ability, the art would not be legal. It would too dangerous.

If this goes into sweatshop labor, I’m quitting this podcast.

Obviously when you are doing a recording, things aren’t gonna translate as over-the-top.

Obviously the power of the Times is discouraging. It’s killing new plays, demolishing one after another.

They are definitely pros and cons to triple threat matches. The cons to them is obviously coming up wth something very original and making sure everything makes sense.

I never really listen to what people say. My thing is that my favorite artists are artists that are theatrical.

They think my life is glamourous. It’s not true. I obviously get to come in and do radio interviews. That’s the glamour. But other than that, I eat and sleep and that’s it. Eat, sleep and do shows.

A lot of us are friends with each. We obviously respect each other.

Obviously that can only work at moments. It can’t be a lasting thing.

I don’t even really understand that concept of someone being ‘smart’ or someone else being ‘smarter.’ I think that except for the obvious special cases, we’re all equal.