“If you get a chance to go outside of the country, you start examining where you’re from and some of the thought processes.”

I’m one of those guys where you know, I’m 23 years into this and I love the road more than ever and rather than whittling down my schedule to just play the major cities.

People should be happy to see you when you show up to a club because you’re a good person. And stop caring about what the industry is “looking for”. Just say what you think is funny. .

ou’re in control of your brain. When your brain is sending you bad information or bad thoughts, you can decide to go to the gym, or write a new joke – or if you’re on the road, go to a ball game…

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.

I don’t mind either one [crowd that is more willing to interact or crowd that’s more ready to just watch]. Both of them are forms of listening to what I’m saying so I can’t ask for any more than that.

I’m a standup comedian who gets to act. I’m never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I’m doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup.

I just do my act. If people in England don’t get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.

Patrice O’Neal is the best comic I ever saw.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That’s all I really care about you and your little garden hose.

[I’m] more German than Irish.

Being a stand-up comic, this isn’t a stepping-stone for me; it’s what I do, and this is what I’m always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.

I mean, stand up you’re by yourself and it’s live and when you’re acting, unless you’re doing a monologue, you’re interacting with somebody else. Even if you’re doing a monologue you’re saying it to somebody and it’s not live so you can do it a few times.

A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there’s like a devil and a devil and they’re just battling it out the whole time. It’s like, “Smoke some crack!” “Get a hooker!” And then I go, “YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!”

You’re a kid, your whole life is awesome. It’s awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren’t scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult.

Something that’s going to get the blood going. Or you can let those thoughts take you right down the rabbit hole.

This is one of the ways in which television can actually be good, and even better than the movies, because it gives you a chance to tell a long story.

I do a lot of performing, but don’t get a chance to go to the studio and write good music.

A great ballplayer is a player who will take a chance.

I believe that Russia has a chance to be free. Has a chance. It’s difficult, but we must do it.

It’s important to credit the brave people that take chances to stand up to regimes. They’re the star.

I was lucky. My grandmother stepped up for me and said she would take responsibility for me and a compassionate juvenile judge took a chance and gave me one.

If you chance your focus – you will change your life.

I don’t like to have everything all worked out in my head because there’s always a chance of it coming out different than you think it should anyway.