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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.

Bill Burr

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  Don’t be a jerk to other comics and don’t let the business beat you down, stay positive and if you work your ass off you’re going to get somewhere.

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  I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.

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  Well probably the coolest show of that whole tour was in Germany. I had a chunk of material on [Adolf] Hitler, and I was worried about how they’d react, but they loved it.

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  When I was coming up the DC Improv was considered the best Improv out there. It’s always been high quality stuff coming out of there.

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  I’m one of those guys where you know, I’m 23 years into this and I love the road more than ever and rather than whittling down my schedule to just play the major cities.

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  Working on the Dave Chappelle show was amazing.

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  Once you do a joke and it works it’s only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.

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  I don’t feel like it’s a wasted vote because I think it encourages more people like that to run. I vote for the candidates that aren’t bought and paid for like the Clintons.

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  I’m a standup comedian who gets to act. I’m never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I’m doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup.

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  Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

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  I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.

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  I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don’t like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it’s good.

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  I’m like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him.

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  As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names… ‘The Thing That Shouldn’t Be’. ‘The Chair That Wasn’t There’, you know?

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  Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else’s success is not your failure.

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  I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.

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