“Like I said, you guys in the media will treat the dumbest jack**s in the entire f***ng world like they won a Pulitzer prize for journalism and will put that level of weight on it, like they’re an ambassador to some country we’re trying to establish trade with.”

Being a stand-up comic, this isn’t a stepping-stone for me; it’s what I do, and this is what I’m always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.

I mean, stand up you’re by yourself and it’s live and when you’re acting, unless you’re doing a monologue, you’re interacting with somebody else. Even if you’re doing a monologue you’re saying it to somebody and it’s not live so you can do it a few times.

A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there’s like a devil and a devil and they’re just battling it out the whole time. It’s like, “Smoke some crack!” “Get a hooker!” And then I go, “YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!”

You’re a kid, your whole life is awesome. It’s awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren’t scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult.

Something that’s going to get the blood going. Or you can let those thoughts take you right down the rabbit hole.

I’ve battled with that type of stuff, but what I’ve found is that by doing stand-up, I’ve actually learned about depression and how to combat it. I don’t have clinical, but I’ve definitely had my bouts with it.

You know, it wasn’t even that I’m a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I’d be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.

I think it’s a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show.

When you say, “there’s no reason [to hit a woman]” that kills any examination as to how two people ended up at that place. When you say, “there’s no reason,” you cut out the build-up and you’re just left with the act. How you gonna solve it if you don’t figure it out?

I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.

I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don’t like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it’s good.

Deny your emotions and act like you have answers

I am so pro-swine flu it’s – it’s like ridiculous.

I couldn’t trash [Adolf] Hitler enough. Poor bastards, they make all these contributions to the automotive industry, aeronautics, space – but you pick one wrong guy and it’s all out the window. They’re never gonna live that one down.

I am so pro-swine flu… I want it. We need a plague. It’s got to happen; don’t be afraid. It’s only going to kill the weak.

The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.

The experience of the individual has become the experience of the people, thanks solely to the camera.

On the fields of Media, of Arabia, and of Armenia, two great armies will assemble thrice. The host near the bank of the Araxes, they will fall in the land of the great Suleiman.

My belief is that “recluse” is a code word generated by journalists; meaning, “doesn’t like to talk to reporters.”

The media cause more problems than they do good.

Washington newspaper men know everything.

There is always scrutiny and pressure from the media. I am always told that I have to win.

It is stupid on my part to think of banning the media.

If you ask that question again ma’am, I will have to ask you your age.