A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they’re really small.
BILL BURRMy favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I dont like it is when Im off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half.
More Bill Burr Quotes
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I’m an idiot, basically. I don’t think that I’m a dumb guy, but I also realise that I have access to about 0.1 percent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about.
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Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?
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My neighbor’s not even listening to me. He’s all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He’s convinced it was designed by NASA. “Actually, it’s got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the…”
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ou’re in control of your brain. When your brain is sending you bad information or bad thoughts, you can decide to go to the gym, or write a new joke – or if you’re on the road, go to a ball game…
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I don’t think people know what hygienist means.
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We need a plague. It’s gotta happen. And don’t worry, it’s only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you’re gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won’t let her do it.
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I am so pro-swine flu it’s – it’s like ridiculous.
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For aspiring comedians? Don’t listen to me. Just go on stage and do what you think is funny.
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[I’m] more German than Irish.
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I cannot believe that [Donald Trump] is actually in the debates.
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If I can sell out clubs and theaters and play dirtbags in movies, and get blown up in a car or get the crap beat out of me in a movie, that’s good for me; I’m good.
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If I get married I get a tax break, if I have a kid I get a tax break, if I get a mortgage I get a tax break. I don’t have any kids and I drive a hybrid, I think I should get a tax break.
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It’s better to just plough ahead. And if I say something they don’t get, I just make fun of myself for assuming that everybody knows everything about where I live.
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I’ve battled with that type of stuff, but what I’ve found is that by doing stand-up, I’ve actually learned about depression and how to combat it. I don’t have clinical, but I’ve definitely had my bouts with it.
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I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?
BILL BURR