“Why does it take two days for a polaroid of John Major to appear?”

They say that adultery is the main thing that can damage a marriage, but it’s not. It’s boredom.

I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?

Quick: noise made by a dyslexic duck

Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies.