Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren’t called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)
ALAN CORENBut even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come.
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Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
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Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic… being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated – south from Sweden in about 500 BC.
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English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit.
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Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn’t all the water gush out when you get in?
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It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.
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Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
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Disneyworld… is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin’s, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan’s.
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I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
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All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
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A humorist tells himself every morning, “I hope it’s going to be a rough day.” When things are going well, it’s much harder to make the right jokes.
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Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a “Wirtschaftswunder,” which can be briefly translated as “The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one.”
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Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
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The word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless.
ALAN COREN