The word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless.
ALAN CORENKumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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But even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
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Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
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A humorist tells himself every morning, “I hope it’s going to be a rough day.” When things are going well, it’s much harder to make the right jokes.
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Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
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Disneyworld… is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin’s, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan’s.
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Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
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It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.
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Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic… being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated – south from Sweden in about 500 BC.
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Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
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The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
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English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit.
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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn’t all the water gush out when you get in?
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Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
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Kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden.
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Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come.
ALAN COREN