Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come.
ALAN CORENThe word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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Why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.
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Kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden.
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Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn’t all the water gush out when you get in?
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Disneyworld… is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin’s, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan’s.
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All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
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The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.
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Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
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Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren’t called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)
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Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
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Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a “Wirtschaftswunder,” which can be briefly translated as “The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one.”
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The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
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English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit.
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Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
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To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
ALAN COREN






