The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
ALAN CORENThe word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
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But even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
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Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
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Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
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A humorist tells himself every morning, “I hope it’s going to be a rough day.” When things are going well, it’s much harder to make the right jokes.
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It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.
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The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.
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The word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless.
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Disneyworld… is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin’s, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan’s.
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Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren’t called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)
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English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit.
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Why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.
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Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
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Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic… being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated – south from Sweden in about 500 BC.
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Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
ALAN COREN