“I once recommended [in a San Francisco Chronicle column] that a third arm – a plastic arm – be sewn at the base of the spine so that people could have a tripod to sit on while waiting in line, and it was taken seriously.”

A woman in Santa Barbara, California, sent a $40,000 check. I fondled it for about five minutes and then sent it back. I told her I couldn’t accept money from strangers.

I look at the newspapers, and I cannot believe most of the stories I read. Bernie Madoff, who actually screwed millions of people for billions of dollars.

It’s just unbelievable what he got away with and how long it took for him to be exposed. A guy like that should be hanged.

Even with clothing naked animals, there were people who wanted to send in money.

My credibility is zero. My wife claims she can go before any judge at any time and have me committed.

We’re a nation of sheep. If you go out and look up at the sky, people around you will start looking up at the sky.

You can not stop criminals and mad men with laws, you can only stop violence with the fear of armed victims.

A sweaty Macbeth with blood on his arms coming in fresh from the battle doesn’t interest me.

I fling myself down on my back, throw my arms and legs out so that I look like an asterisk, and gaze at the sky.

She doesn’t give you time for questions as she locks up your arms in hers. And you follow till your sense of direction completely disappears.

Somebody will come up to me after a show and have me sign their arm, and the next time I see them my autograph has been permanently inscribed on their arm.

There’s a lot of different ways that a song would be a challenge to parody.

That he armed the Mujahideen, that he armed Saddam, that he armed Iran, that he armed two-thirds of the Axis of Evil, and that he funded terrorists in Central America. He was, in my mind, a terrible president.

” Let me take two shots in the arm and a punch on the nose and let me get on to the next thing.