“My mom sold real estate and did it part time.”

I’m part of the mushball middle. I consider ‘confused’ the majority position because, thankfully.

Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.

I like the liberal tradition; I like the Hubert Humphrey tradition fighting for civil rights.

But God told me that He/She/It had actually chosen Al Gore by making sure that Gore won the popular vote and, God thought, the Electoral College. ‘That worked for everyone else,’ God said.

Rush Limbaugh is what I call a disinfotainer. He entertains by spreading disinformation.

I’ve been a producer and led people. Also, being a comedian, you’re under pressure.

I’m sure I’ve devoted enough thought to Rush Limbaugh for one lifetime.

Call-time has renewed my faith in the need for public financing of elections. Call-time is where I as the candidate, sit in a room with my “call-time manager,” and a phone. Then I call people and ask them for money. For hours. Apparently, I’m really good at it.

The right wing has had a radio apparatus for years and years, so they’ve had minor leagues.

And I think that being able to make people laugh and write a book that’s funny makes the information go down a lot easier and it makes it a lot more fun to read, easier to understand, and often stronger. So there’s all kinds of advantages to it.

It was hard for him to project who he is, the person people know in private.

Good schools for me to prepare myself for a career, and, if I worked hard and played by the rules, a chance for me to do anything I wanted.

Asking the question whether the mainstream media has a liberal or conservative bias is like asking whether al Qaeda uses too much oil in their hummus.

I didn’t realize he meant our nation.

Armed with nothing more than a Facebook user’s phone number and home address.

The truth is simple, you do not die from love. You only wish you did.

[John D. Rockefeller] didn’t care about anyone he did anything just to be rich and be the only company standing without any competition. He destroyed anyone else.

If he had 30 points, nine rebounds and eight assists, I can tell you exactly how he did it, what type of shots he made and who he passed to.

When I was a player, I didn’t expect my teammates to play the way I did. I did expect them to work hard every day and get better. And I never learned anything by losing.

Never did eye see the sun unless it had first become sun-like, and never can the soul have vision of the First Beauty unless itself be beautiful.

I find the lure of the unknown irresistible.

The same thing I did in 2013 is what I’m trying to do in 2014, which is continue to improve, continue to shock people.

I’ve never met a girl who could stop me looking at all the others. If I did, I’d marry her.