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Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, ‘How’s it going with that girl?’ ‘One day at a time, man.’

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I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is ‘If it feels good – stop.’
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Just to p-s you off, that’s why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.’
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Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you’re happy, you let us touch you.
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I woke up my pop in the middle of the night ’cause the boogie man’s under my bed.
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I don’t think it’s fair – you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring.
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My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, ‘Adam – uh, don’t kiss guys.’
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There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic, and she’s the devil.
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The human body is in constant change the minute we’re born. It’s in a constant state of decay. We’re all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.
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My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.
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What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why!
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Go to bed.’ ‘Don’t you feel like we’re soul…’
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I love that magazine, man – Victoria’s Secret – and it comes, like, every three hours.
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I got into cars through my father. He used to work on cars. My job was to hold the light, which pretty much was the limit of my mechanical abilities.
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I talk a lot about women in my act, ’cause let’s face it — if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
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If you look at a group of people that had faith, it’s got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, ‘I don’t think he knows where he’s going.’
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I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date.
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