I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.
BILL ENGVALLI was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
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One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
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My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
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I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
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I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!
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I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
BILL ENGVALL