I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
BOB MONKHOUSEI saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
BOB MONKHOUSEWhat do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSEPersonally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
BOB MONKHOUSEWhen the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
BOB MONKHOUSEI can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
BOB MONKHOUSEI’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
BOB MONKHOUSEMy mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
BOB MONKHOUSEA miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
BOB MONKHOUSEI’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
BOB MONKHOUSEA tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
BOB MONKHOUSEI can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.
BOB MONKHOUSEI know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
BOB MONKHOUSEI came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSEWhere do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
BOB MONKHOUSEI was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
BOB MONKHOUSEMy wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
BOB MONKHOUSE