Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
BOB MONKHOUSEPersonally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
BOB MONKHOUSEMy mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
BOB MONKHOUSEThey all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
BOB MONKHOUSEI’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
BOB MONKHOUSEI saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
BOB MONKHOUSEI’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
BOB MONKHOUSEMarriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
BOB MONKHOUSEMy father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
BOB MONKHOUSEMy wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
BOB MONKHOUSEWith my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
BOB MONKHOUSEWhat do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSEDulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
BOB MONKHOUSEMy wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
BOB MONKHOUSEI came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSEA miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
BOB MONKHOUSEI was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
BOB MONKHOUSE