I never wanted to spend a month away from my life. One time I was out on the road for three weeks in a row and I when I came back someone had broken into my apartment and the water had evaporated from the toilet.
BILL BURRDo you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?
More Bill Burr Quotes
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If you’re on social media as a performer you can tell. If you don’t get any Tweets you know it’s bombed. I can pretty much gauge how it’s doing by comparing the reception to shows I’ve done that have actual ratings.
BILL BURR -
Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate.
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I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy – if they start to like you, they’ll get a project going and call you in.
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I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I’d like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don’t have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I’m shooting for the middle.
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I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
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Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!
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I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?
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Well probably the coolest show of that whole tour was in Germany. I had a chunk of material on [Adolf] Hitler, and I was worried about how they’d react, but they loved it.
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My parents have a ridiculous work ethic; my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who’s logged more hours than that guy.
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Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.
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I mean, stand up you’re by yourself and it’s live and when you’re acting, unless you’re doing a monologue, you’re interacting with somebody else. Even if you’re doing a monologue you’re saying it to somebody and it’s not live so you can do it a few times.
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Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That’s all I really care about you and your little garden hose.
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I’m trying to pay off my apartment so I have something tangible. I actually figured out if I paid off my place my reward would be that I would pay an extra four grand a year in taxes.
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I think it’s a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show.
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I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?
BILL BURR