A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
BOB MONKHOUSEI saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
More Bob Monkhouse Quotes
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What do gardeners do when they retire?
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A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
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I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
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I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
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They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
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Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
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I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
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I got my start in silent radio.
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Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
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I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.
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Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
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I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
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Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
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My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
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I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSE