I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
BILL ENGVALLA condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
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I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
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God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
BILL ENGVALL