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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.

Billy Connolly

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Afterward Comedy Looks Nuclear
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Needs People Toilet
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Country Kilts Looks Mcdonalds Quater
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Comedy Euthanasia Fame
I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Huge Love Simply Thinking You
There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Adventure Being Happy Running
When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Look People Place
I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Circuit Different Hecklers Syllable Tickets
Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Acting Different Discipline
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Empowerment Psychics Thinking
If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Havens Heard Rumours
I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Absolutely End Jokes Stage Thinking
A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
BILLY CONNOLLY

Brother Funny Girlfriend Mine
I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Fog Singer Voice
I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Country Funny Humorous Witty
A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Offending People Religious

I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.

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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.

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