Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
BILL ENGVALLI was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
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I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
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This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
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My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
BILL ENGVALL