I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
BILL ENGVALL
BILL ENGVALL
Bill Engvall on coffee
Bill Engvall64 quotes“I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.”
More from Bill Engvall
God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
Bill EngvallBill Engvall Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
Bill EngvallBill Engvall God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
Bill EngvallBill Engvall I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
Bill EngvallBill Engvall
Original quotes
From our community writers
Caught inside my mind trapped between its horrid lines losing precious time.
Carmen AmadosCarmen Amados Some women will have you look at life differently.
Eleni SophiaEleni Sophia The biggest reward often require the largest risks.
Nicole BrownNicole Brown Being with you is familiar, like playing guitar after some time; the theory is there but my fingers have forgotten the chords.
AstaAsta Late-night conservations, Breathtaking memories, and an endless sky full of unseen dazzling stars. That’s how I want to remember us.
AurthurAurthur Nothing is more terrifying than falling in love.
Helena DegnHelena Degn People who cannot see through souls will keep searching for beauty in faces and will never find it.
Shilpa GoelShilpa Goel There is someone out there waiting to love you in all the ways you deserve.
Ashley PrzywolskiAshley Przywolski
Meet the writers
More on coffee
The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
Billy ConnollyBilly Connolly Coffee is the highlight of my day. After coffee everything is downhill.
Bill SimmonsBill Simmons There is no reason why we shouldn’t be able to split an infinitive, any more than we should forsake instant coffee and air travel because they weren’t available to the Romans.
Bill BrysonBill Bryson The food is excellent. The beer is cold. The sun nearly always shines. There is coffee on every corner. Life doesn’t get much better than this.
Bill BrysonBill Bryson Human beings would split the atom and invent television, nylon, and instant coffee before they could figure out the age of their own planet.
Bill BrysonBill Bryson Maybe…in a way, this coffee reminds me of something. Maybe…maybe only a philosopher or a mad man would make this connection, but it’s a little like life. I mean it’s powerful going down and that doesn’t even take into account the aftertaste, which really takes getting used to.
Bette GreeneBette Greene People always think that happiness is a faraway thing,” thought Francie, “something complicated and hard to get.
Betty SmithBetty Smith I ordered a coffee and a little something to eat and savored the warmth and dryness. Somewhere in the background Nat King Cole sang a perky tune. I watched the rain beat down on the road outside and told myself that one day this would be twenty years ago.
Bill BrysonBill Bryson