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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

Bill Engvall

I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
BILL ENGVALL

Behind Dude Saw Shut Size Things
I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
BILL ENGVALL

Brain Destiny Texas
Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
BILL ENGVALL

Dad Looked Son Yesterday
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
BILL ENGVALL

Invention iPhone People
I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Giving Nope Poring Sign Talking
I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Jacket Nope Replied Side Sign
My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Hope Hunt Purchase Sign
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
BILL ENGVALL

Animal Discovery Hurt Shark
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
BILL ENGVALL

Safe Sharks Water
I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
BILL ENGVALL

Pages Use Water
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
BILL ENGVALL

Class God Kids Magnifying Mom Stupid
I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
BILL ENGVALL

Belief Life Pain Suck
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Girl Humor Remember
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
BILL ENGVALL

Gas Lasts Sides Stations
The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Around Attendant Looked Resist Swelled Walk
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
BILL ENGVALL

Older People Thinking

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

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Popular Authors

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