“I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.”

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.

I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

My brother and I ended up being known for our distance, but we had no idea how far we could hit the ball because we hit it the same, and all of a sudden.

The homing instinct in birds and animals is one of their most remarkable traits: their strong local attachments and their skill in finding their way back when removed to a distance.

The distance from you is measured in how far I’ve come.

I know there is a terrible distance between us. But our bodies are made of stardust, and we are hurtling through space and time, toward the most beautiful collision.

Souls do not have calendars or clocks, nor do they understand the notion of time or distance. They only know it feels right to know one other.

The day after that wedding night I found that a distance of a thousand miles, abyss and discovery and irremediable metamorphosis, separated me from the day before.

The reason we have distanced ourselves from it is because some of the things that they employ and some of the messages that I’ve heard from reparative therapists with regards to what someone can expect once they get through that type of therapy.

And if it can be explained that it can be explained away.’ ‘But this is History. Distance yourselves.