“I don’t mind it. I just space it out. Every other week I go out. I used to get some time to myself but I’ve been pretty busy lately. But I’ve had it the other way, where I’m staring at the phone waiting for it to ring, so this is definitely better.”

The greatest comebacks ever – watching [Donald Trump] get the nomination for the Republican Party is the most astounding thing I’ve ever seen.

You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.

It’s just if one person says anything it becomes click bait and then they start talking about the comedy climate which is hilarious, so no.

Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate.

Working on the Dave Chappelle show was amazing.

I was a feature one time and they gave me host money. When I called to complain the guy goes “no you didn’t feature, you co-hosted”. He literally invented a term so he didn’t have to pay me. And obviously that check bounced!

I’m an idiot, basically. I don’t think that I’m a dumb guy, but I also realise that I have access to about 0.1 percent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about.

Think about the amount of crap the US has done! Between slavery and the genocide of the Native Americans – if any of that had been filmed like [Adolf] Hitler, we’d never live it down.

There is a very difficult period in a comedian’s career – it’s that window of time where you’re good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.

I can tell you why I like different countries. Ireland – some of the funniest heckles I’ve ever gotten. And the last time I did England I did Bristol, Manchester, and then London. The whole country is just amazing to drive through.

I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.

Don’t be a jerk to other comics and don’t let the business beat you down, stay positive and if you work your ass off you’re going to get somewhere.

You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can’t believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me.

I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.

I was certified to take x-rays, but you can’t just show up and start cleaning people’s teeth.

Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone’s ringing a lot more and I’ve got nine lines so when it doesn’t ring, it’s very frustrating.

BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You’re not a human being until you’re in my phone book.

Sometimes you have to make your own opportunities, and that’s why I’m on TV. I wasn’t going to sit around anymore, waiting for the damn phone to ring. I had to create my own place – I’ve always done that.

You can tell how boring a person is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.

I get on Twitter, one of my routines during the day, if I’m home is, I wake up, get a cup of coffee, turn on the Weather Channel and I’ll look at what people are saying to me on Twitter on my phone.

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!

I find that if I use my time well and take care of my mind/body when I’m outside of work, then I feel more supported throughout my day. So, instead of waking up and going straight for my cell phone or running to the gym.

You’re not a human till you’re in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.