“I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin’ [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] ‘good evening everybody, remember me, smoking’s bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww.”

I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York… Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!

STRATFORD SUCKS!’ Am I supposed to run after these guys? I’d just stand there, you know. They’d back up. ‘STRATFORD SUCKS! …STRATFORD SUCKS!’ I’d say, ‘I know. I go there. You’re wasting gas, man.

It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer’s pussy.

The world’s like a ride in a fairground & when you choose to go on it you think it’s real, that’s how powerful our minds are

May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps… sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?

Truly, the only stupid people I’ve ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.

What’s gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we’re all one. Ha ha ha ha ha! It’s gonna fuck up the economy!

Surgeon General’s warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority.

Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

How are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we’re all one?

Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health-nut dude. The plot thickens.

If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.

Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts…Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.

You want a better world…? Legalize pot right now. …end the deficit? Legalize pot right now…biggest cash crop in America.

It’s an insane world, and I’m proud to be a part of it.

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.

Let the writer take up surgery or bricklaying if he is interested in technique. There is no mechanical way to get the writing done, no shortcut.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

In this world, there are two times. There is mechanical time and there is body time.” “They do not keep clocks in their houses. Instead, they listen to their heartbeats. They feel the rhythms of their moods and desires.”

But often it’s a mechanical transformation, which isn’t as interesting, and you’ve got to be careful how you go about something like that, I think.

When the first mechanical clocks were invented, marking off time in crisp, regular intervals, it must have surprised people to discover that time flowed outside their own mental and physiological processes.

In this world, there are two times. There is mechanical time and there is body time.

In the same way the lifted leg of an arabesque becomes a wing, and not a mechanical leverage like a raised trap door.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.