“Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.”

I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’

The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.

You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.

My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.

The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!

I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.

God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.

The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.

You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

Even if our efforts of attention seem for years to be producing no result, one day a light that is in exact proportion to them will flood the soul.

Even on the darkest days the sun still rises.

Success is something that has to be earned every day.

I’ve never been more in love with anyone nearly half my age than I am today. I’d get married in a minute if I weren’t still married to somebody else.

Everyday I am finding neverland in your touch just a little bit more than the day before.

I don’t have time for hobbies. At the end of the day, I treat my job as a hobby. It’s something I love doing.

Knowing this first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts

For the most important type of love is love for oneself and only you can hear all of your beautiful verses that never got to see the light of the day.