“You can’t hate anybody till you hate yourself and you can’t love anybody till you love yourself.”

Marijuana is a very dangerous drug. Some people smoke it just once and go directly into politics.

The two party system just means that the corporations cut two checks instead of one.

A lot of us [comedians] are drawn to the stage or show business or whatever because we didn’t feel so great about ourselves, and we didn’t know how to do anything about that, so we sought external approval.

We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem, of course, is that someone will win.

Desserts are like mistresses. They are bad for you. So if you are having one, you might as well have two.

Do you love me enough that I may be weak with you? Everyone loves strength, but do you love me for my weakness? That is the real test.

When you perform with a live audience, the audience comes back to you.

Ever since the day you left me, I’ve been so miserable, my dear. I feel almost as bad as I did when you were still here.

If you see the teeth of the lion, do not think that the lion is smiling at you.

You cannot play with fire.

A good warm bath can be one for you, or a whatever.

The thing that can get you a little upset is when people say other people are better than you. That can bug you.