“I’ve got a 1990 Porsche 911. It’s just a Carrera, a very simple, straightforward little thing that goes like stink. I love it.”

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.

Politics is the attempt to achieve power and prestige without merit.

I believe in God. God created the world.

The problem with public school is not overcrowding in the classroom. The problem is not teacher unions. The problem is not underfunding or lack of computer equipment. The problem is your damn kids.

We will win an election when all the seats in the House and Senate and the chair behind the desk in the Oval Office and the whole bench of the Supreme Court are filled with people who wish they weren’t there.

When elites see a homeless person in the gutter, they assume he’s saving a parking place.

Head lice have their own animal-rights group, or may as well. The National Pediculosis Association doesn’t exactly advocate letting lice live with dignity, but it does oppose pediculicidal treatments.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

Nobody is making Americans buy Chinese goods.

Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye.

The budget doesn’t have much control over the government. Then again, the government doesn’t have much control over the budget.

Like most sensible people, you probably lost interest in modern art about the time that Julian Schnabel was painting broken pieces of the crockery that his wife had thrown at him for painting broken pieces of crockery instead of painting the bathroom and hall.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Agriculture is a business that has been up to its bib overalls in politics since the first Thanksgiving dinner kickback to the Indians for subsidizing Pilgrim maize production with fish head fertilizer grants.

There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as ‘caring’ and ‘sensitive’ because he wants to expand the government’s charitable programs is merely saying that he’s willing to try to do good with other people’s money.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

Clichés can be quite fun. That’s how they got to be clichés.

What he does with it, that’s something else, but he’s got it all. The talent, the instrument is there, that’s why he has endured.

I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I’d gone to Africa I would have got poached.

I’ve got a group who can’t play music, one bad comedian plus boyfriend.

We built pyramids before Donald Trump ever knew what architecture was … we taught philosophy and astrology and mathematics before Socrates and them Greek homos ever got around to it.

Left all my Beatle records out in the sun, got a coke bottle stuck on the end of my tongue.

You’ll never be alone if you’ve got a book.

You’ve got to think of things as an opportunity. An audition’s an opportunity to have an audience.