I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
ALAN CORENThe word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come.
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It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.
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Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
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A humorist tells himself every morning, “I hope it’s going to be a rough day.” When things are going well, it’s much harder to make the right jokes.
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Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
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Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
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Kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden.
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Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
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But even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
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English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit.
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10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?
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Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn’t all the water gush out when you get in?
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Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a “Wirtschaftswunder,” which can be briefly translated as “The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one.”
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To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
ALAN COREN