“No Joni Mitchell 8 track tapes in my car.”

I have a long-standing history of respecting artists’ wishes.

You can play some schlock like New Kids On the Block.

My velvet Elvis means the world to me. Although he may not be worth much dough, he means more to me than some old Rembrandt or Van Gogh.

As much as people are griping about the Internet taking sales away from artists, it’s been a huge promotional tool for me.

Didn’t have Nintendo, we just poured salt on snails.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

It’s hard to force creativity and humor.

I don’t think there are any new media I’d like to cover.

I can’t get too offended when somebody parodies me.

The window doesn’t open, the fan is broke, and my face is turning blue. I haven’t been in a crowd like this since I went to see the Who.

In a genre where most of the artists are one-hit wonders, I’ve been able to hang around longer than most “serious” acts. I pride myself in being a very talented leech.

I think that nerds, if you want to call them that, have only gotten more hip and assimilated into the culture.

Because you’re supposed to lose yourself in the character, but sometimes people look at a character and go “Oh, it’s ‘Weird Al.'”

My personal taste doesn’t enter into it a lot when I make my decisions as to what to parody.

There are probably a few library fines I haven’t paid yet, but I’m a pretty clean-cut guy overall.

I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue than spend one more minute with you.

I never talk about what I’m writing about currently, never. It’s private work on your own, no need or obligation to talk about it. Writers are made into performers these days, including myself, but there are some instances in which I will not perform.

No team works out teamwork.

And sometimes no amount of punishment can make us repudiate our loyalty.

For me, I say no, but then I am old, and life, with his sunshine, his fair places, his song of birds, his music and his love, lie far behind. You others are young. Some have seen sorrow, but there are fair days yet in store. What say you?

Truly there is no such thing as finality.

But that is the only thing that slows me down is the system. No one, two or three was big enough to slow me down, only the system. It was the system that slowed me down to make my numbers fall. Not because I am older.

There is nothing so terrible as the pursuit of art by those who have no talent.

No man knows till he experiences it, what it is like to feel his own life-blood drawn away into the woman he loves.