“I’m in the middle of my sixth book, which is about animals at the Los Angeles Zoo.”

Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it’s got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can’t just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that – it’s got to be funny.

I enjoy being busy, I really do. Remember, I’m the stub end of the railroad. I have no family, so I’m not taking busy time away from people that I should be spending it with. So I’m just relaxing and enjoying it.

I just make it my business to get along with people so I can have fun. It’s that simple.

I have the backbone of an eel.

It’s been phenomenal, but everybody keeps congratulating me on my resurgence and my big comeback. I haven’t been away, guys. I’ve been working steadily for the last 63 years.

When we started in television, there was that magic box in the corner of the room, and ‘Oh my gosh – look what it’s doing!’

I really don’t care with whom you sleep. I just care what kind of a decent human being you are.

During the Depression, my dad made radios to sell to make extra money. Nobody had any money to buy the radios, so he would trade them for dogs. He built kennels in the backyard, and he cared for the dogs.

I stayed in show business to pay for my animal business.

The writers are the stars of every really successful sitcom.

A lady likes to be complimented on her looks, her eyes, her figure. But the personality comments are much appreciated.

I don’t get political.

I may be a senior, but so what? I’m still hot.

I have my golden retriever now, Pontiac. He’s a career-change guide dog from Guide Dogs for the Blind.

I just want to bring as much natural as I can. I’m not saying that people who take acting lessons are false. They’re much better than I am, but it doesn’t work for me.

I’m a big cockeyed optimist. I try to accentuate the positive as opposed to the negative.

All I say is, nobody has any business to go around looking like a horse and behaving as if it were all right. You don’t catch horses going around looking like people, do you?

I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh. I think the most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl’s leg, no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Whoever eats the Lamb outside this House is profane.

The serpent, the king, the tiger, the stinging wasp, the small child, the dog owned by other people, and the fool: these seven ought not to be awakened from sleep.

Major North and myself went out in advance of the command several miles and killed a number of buffaloes.

You can eat an elephant one bit at a time.

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?