My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
JOAN RIVERSI was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS -
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERS -
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERS






