I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERSI was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Better laid than never.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERS -
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERS -
I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERS -
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
JOAN RIVERS -
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERS -
Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS -
A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS -
I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
JOAN RIVERS