“Half Man, Half Sit-Out-The-Season.”

You can talk without saying a thing. I don’t ever want to be that type of person.

Poor people have been voting for Democrats for the last 50 years and they’re still poor.

Listening to a woman is almost as bad as losing to one. There are only three things that women are better at than men: cleaning, cooking, and having sex.

We’re not all supposed to think alike.

I know a lot of people did a lot of heavy lifting to make me successful and I do everything in my power not to screw it up.

I want to be a politician. I think I understand how the system works, I think a lot of politicians are corrupt, and it’s about time we put some people in there who are going to look out for the majority of the people instead of the rich people.

Poor white people and poor black people just don’t know how much they have in common. Rich people don’t give a damn about either group.

The main thing to do is relax and let your talent do the work.

He’s got to bring something stronger than that. That’s like bringing milk to a bar, it’s not strong enough

Unfortunately, as I tell my white friends, we as black people, we’re never going to be successful not because of you white people but because of other black people.

This is why I hate white people. You guys try to turn everything into a racial issue.

I don’t have time to put up with the politics. Who’s a Democrat? Who’s a Republican? Who’s liberal? Who’s conservative? Man, can my daughter just go to a school and not get killed? Can these people get a good job? That’s what I’m concerned about.

I was a Republican until they lost their minds.

When you get arrested it’s in big letters. When you get acquitted it’s in small letters.

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.

Social media is where losers go to feel important.

If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.

A lot of the things I say I’m just trying to be funny. I don’t really mean everything I say, because I’m not totally that airhead.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

One must never set up a murder. They must happen unexpectedly, as in life.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.