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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

Zach Galifianakis

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  The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that’s totally wiped out; I don’t think it really exists anymore.

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  When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

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  My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘You go, girl’ to myself.

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  I don’t want to do an edgy show, I didn’t want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

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• 

  Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There’s just too much money.

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• 

  I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.

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  Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they’re done towards yourself.

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  I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it’s a little protective.

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• 

  My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

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• 

  I understand Tea Partyers’ anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can’t be part of that.

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