Alan Coren Quotes

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?

Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren’t called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)

Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.

Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.

The word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless.