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When asked, ‘Shall I tell my mother I’m gay?’, I reply, ‘Never tell your mother anything.

Quentin Crisp

If you describe things as better than they are, you are considered to be a romantic; if you describe things as worse than they are, you will be called a realist; and if you describe things exactly as they are, you will be thought of as a satirist.
QUENTIN CRISP

Be Better Consider Describe Romantic Thing Will Worse
I went out into the world when I was about 22. I wrote books and I illustrated books and did book covers, and I taught tap-dancing, and I was a model in the art school. I had no ability for any of those things, but what else could I do?
QUENTIN CRISP

Ability Art Bool Cover Dance Illustrated Model School Tap Taught Tow Twenty Went World
Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses.
QUENTIN CRISP

Character Dab Euphemism Find Hand Intelligence Modify Powerless Weakness
Fashion is not style. Nay, we can say more: Fashion is instead of style. Style is an idiom springing spontaneously from the personality but deliberately maintained.
QUENTIN CRISP

Deliberate Fashion Idiom Instead Maintain Personality Spontaneously Style
Mainstream people dislike homosexuality because they can’t help concentrating on what homosexual men do to one another. And when you contemplate what people do, you think of yourself doing it. And they don’t like that. That’s the famous joke:
QUENTIN CRISP

Another Concentrate Dislike Help Homosexually Mainstream Men One People
Exhibitionism is like a drug. Hooked in adolescence I was now taking doses so massive they would have killed a novice.
QUENTIN CRISP

Adolescence Drug Exhibitions Hook Kill Massive Novice Take
You must stop this interview now as I have come to end of my personality.
QUENTIN CRISP

Come End Have Interview Personality Stop
Quentin Crisp (to handsome young man on the street): “What’s the matter, sexy? Don’t you like dehydrated fruit?
QUENTIN CRISP

Dehydrate Handsome Man Matter People Sexy Street Young
Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation of which the filing system has been lost?
QUENTIN CRISP

Assignation Been Fill House Lost System Vast Whole
The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
QUENTIN CRISP

Achieve Disaster Formula never Relationship Simple Successful Treat Trivialities
If I were God – and I never understand why I’m not – I should say, “Shop around, I don’t think you’ll find a better bargain than here.”
QUENTIN CRISP

Around Bargain Better Find God Shop Should Think Understand
What my parents thought of this, I don’t know. But they bore it. And the real problem was not my sin, but my unemployability.
QUENTIN CRISP

Bore Know Parent Problem Real Sin Thought Unemployability
Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette. There are so many trivial ways in which it is possible to commit some social sin.
QUENTIN CRISP

Book Etiquette Inch Monastery More Nothing Person Rapidly Read
Never sweep. After four years the dirt gets no worse.
QUENTIN CRISP

After Dirt Four Get never Sweep Worse Year
The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.
QUENTIN CRISP

Children Returnable Trouble
If you truly love me, kill the bartender.
QUENTIN CRISP

Bartender Kill Love Truly

When asked, ‘Shall I tell my mother I’m gay?’, I reply, ‘Never tell your mother anything.

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When asked, ‘Shall I tell my mother I’m gay?’, I reply, ‘Never tell your mother anything.

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Popular Authors

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