“I’m not mad. I’m in a perfectly happy mood, you asshole.”

I want to do something different, really different, and if it alienates people that’s too bad.

If chasing cool is important to you, you’re an idiot!

I just hope I don’t become so blissful I become boring. I think I’ll always be neurotic enough to do something weird.

Oh well, whatever, nevermind.

Here we are now, entertain us.

Humans are stupid. I’m ashamed to be human.

If you’re really a mean person you’re going to come back as a fly and eat poop.

I like to make people feel happy and superior in their reaction towards my appearance.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let’s all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

There are a lot of things I wish I would have done, instead of just sitting around and complaining about having a boring life.

I am not gay, although I wish I were, just to piss off homophobes.

I have met many minds able to store and translate a pregnantly large amount of information, yet they haven’t an ounce of talent for wisdom or the appreciation of passion.

I’m worse at what I do best.

She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak, I’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks.

She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak, I’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks.

My heart is broke, but I have some glue, help me inhale and mend it with you.

I hire people that are good, and aren’t crazy. Or assholes. Because that takes up too much time. There are just as many good people who are not crazy.

One of the most heinous, insidious lies is the notion that you have to be an asshole to be a successful business person.

Being drunk is a good disguise. I drink so I can talk to assholes. This includes me.

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole.

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole