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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

Jerry Seinfeld

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
JERRY SEINFELD

Give Send Sweatpant World
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
JERRY SEINFELD

Flame Glowing Pain Popular Something
Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
JERRY SEINFELD

Love Magazines Medium Space
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
JERRY SEINFELD

Comedian Funny Night Real
I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
JERRY SEINFELD

Funny Marriage Voice Wife
Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
JERRY SEINFELD

Average Country Funeral Mean People
The best revenge is living well.
JERRY SEINFELD

Bestt Live Revenge Well
I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
JERRY SEINFELD

Bad Movie Sarcastic Stranger
I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
JERRY SEINFELD

Essay Everything Know Well
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
JERRY SEINFELD

Funny Humorous Music
[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who’s … normal … I’m not curious, I’m not interested.
JERRY SEINFELD

Engage Kind Normal People
I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
JERRY SEINFELD

Coffee Emotion Make Somehow
There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
JERRY SEINFELD

People Skill Socially Two
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
JERRY SEINFELD

Friends Fun Laughter Stranger
If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
JERRY SEINFELD

Bore Long Need Stories
I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
JERRY SEINFELD

Car Crazy Years

If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

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