There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
JERRY SEINFELDYour blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
More Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
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This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.
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The best revenge is living well.
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I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
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I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
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What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
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There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
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Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who’s … normal … I’m not curious, I’m not interested.
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If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
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That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
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Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
JERRY SEINFELD