The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
JERRY SEINFELDI’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
More Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
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Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
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Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
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This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.
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I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
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See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
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Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
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There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who’s … normal … I’m not curious, I’m not interested.
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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
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What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
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I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
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When you’ve been in the business 5-years, as a person, it’s like you’re 5-years old – like a child. 10-years and you’re 10-years old, 20… Etcetera. That’s how I measure maturity in this industry.
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Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
JERRY SEINFELD