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I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.

Jerry Seinfeld

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
JERRY SEINFELD

Airline Beach Devices
Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
JERRY SEINFELD

Average Country Funeral Mean People
Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
JERRY SEINFELD

Compare Need Smart Wise
What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
JERRY SEINFELD

Body Funny Inspirational Motivational Wax
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
JERRY SEINFELD

Funny Humorous Music
Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.
JERRY SEINFELD

Amazing Broke Dog Funny Inspire
I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
JERRY SEINFELD

Funny Marriage Voice Wife
When you’ve been in the business 5-years, as a person, it’s like you’re 5-years old – like a child. 10-years and you’re 10-years old, 20… Etcetera. That’s how I measure maturity in this industry.
JERRY SEINFELD

Child Children Maturity Old Year
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
JERRY SEINFELD

Flame Glowing Pain Popular Something
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
JERRY SEINFELD

Comedian Funny Night Real
You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
JERRY SEINFELD

Give Send Sweatpant World
If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
JERRY SEINFELD

Bore Long Need Stories
Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
JERRY SEINFELD

Love Magazines Medium Space
There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
JERRY SEINFELD

Life More Obvious Shallow
I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
JERRY SEINFELD

Essay Everything Know Well
I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
JERRY SEINFELD

Goal Life Marry Men New Wedding

I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.

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I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.

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Popular Authors

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