Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.
JERRY SEINFELDI’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
More Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
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That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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The best revenge is living well.
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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
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There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
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See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
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I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
JERRY SEINFELD -
Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who’s … normal … I’m not curious, I’m not interested.
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
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Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
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Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
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I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
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Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
JERRY SEINFELD