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My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you’re kidding?… Noooo… as funny as that is, I’m not

Ellen DeGeneres

I was coming home from kindergarten – well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Funny Home Humor
The most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and to not give in to peer pressure to try to be something that you’re not.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Giving Graduation Integrity
I don’t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I’m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Baby Funny Humor
So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn’t with all the layers… I mean plastic and then tape, and the tape is like government tape. It says ‘open here.’ Is that sarcasm?
ELLEN DEGENERES

Government Mean Sarcasm
I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is, we are all one connected thing. We are all from the same exact molecules.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Judgement Judging People
We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, ‘I have a problem with procrastination, too.’ I said ‘Really?… Get my sandwich.’
ELLEN DEGENERES

Lunch Procrastination Talking
You know, it’s hard work to write a book. I can’t tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Book Hard Women Work
I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Asparagus Funny Humor
Quick decision makers are often stuck behind annoying people in line at Starbucks.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Decision Lines People
If someone ever says you’re weird, say thank you.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Saying Thank Weird
I get to do stand-up every single day. I love that live energy exchange between the audience and myself, and to get to say the things I want to say and comment on.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Comment Energy Want
We put the wrong emphasis on what beauty is and what health is. Health is being vibrant and having energy and being happy.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Emphasis Energy Happy Vibrant
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that’s ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Compassion Inspiring Strong Women
Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Eye Inspirational Inspiring
I get my dance moves from just moving around and listening to music and not really worrying about if it’s perfect or not.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Moving Perfect Worry
Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Funny Life Procrastination

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you’re kidding?… Noooo… as funny as that is, I’m not

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My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you’re kidding?… Noooo… as funny as that is, I’m not

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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