“You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.”

There’s something about doing stand-up that’s cathartic.

I don’t normally talk about my religion publicly because I don’t want people to associate me and my flaws with this beautiful thing. And I believe it is beautiful religion if you learn it the right way.

I have all these weird fantasies. Going coast-to-coast on my motorcycle and having random barbecues all over America. No show, no nothing.

Stand-up is the kind of gig that’ll show you where you’re at.

I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds.

The only way you can know where the line is, is if you cross it.

I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes.

I don’t want anything bad to happen to the United States, but if North Korea ever drops a nuclear bomb on this country, I swear to God, I hope it lands in Hartford.

The higher up I went, the less happy I was.

I got a lot of positive people around me.

I just like seeing people. I just like meeting people. I like finding out new walks of life and new ideas.

Being famous is great, it’s not like bad or horrible or anything.

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

Listen, here it is: Technically, I never quit. I’m seven years late for work.

They do what they do for money – that’s all. I don’t even know why you’re listening to me. I’ve done commercials for both Coke and Pepsi. Truth is, I can’t even taste the difference, but Pepsi paid me last, so there it is.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Youth is a circumstance you can’t do anything about. The trick is to grow up without getting old.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

I am just an old-fashioned girl.

I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.

The white, the Hispanic, the black, the Arab, the Jew, the woman, the Native American, the small farmer, the businessperson, the environmentalist, the peace activist, the young, the old, the lesbian, the gay and the disabled make up the American quilt.

It feels so scary getting old.

My mom didn’t let me eat sugar or candy until I was older.