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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Bob Monkhouse

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More Bob Monkhouse Quotes

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  Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

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  A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.

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• 

  My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

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• 

  Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

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• 

  My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

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• 

  Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

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• 

  I’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.

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• 

  My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

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• 

  When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

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• 

  I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

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• 

  I got my start in silent radio.

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• 

  They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

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• 

  Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

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• 

  Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

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• 

  I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

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• 

  Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

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